Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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