Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize