woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
