He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
