maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
