last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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