she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
