So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
