are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
