I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
