Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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