I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
