My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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