Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
