We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
