I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
