I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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