I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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