I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
