I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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