he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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