I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
