he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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