It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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