you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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