He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
