I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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