The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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