I cockslap morals
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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