You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
