when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
