Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
