I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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