I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
