someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
