is your mom at the bar?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
