I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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