how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
