If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
