she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
