i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
