I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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