I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
