oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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