i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
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