I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize