trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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