A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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