im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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