Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
