I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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