I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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