My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
People in love make me want to vomit
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
