So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize