I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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