I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
