Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
