my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
it was like eating out sand paper
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
