Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Randomize
