Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
