I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
this is an emotional support booty call
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
