final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
