You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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