marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
