I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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