Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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