Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
