Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
